There is a fine line between the feelings of excitement and fear. This is a tightrope that we are learning to walk. As we walk through this Christmas season, we work to prepare our boys for the events ahead while at the same time not over exciting them about what's to come.
Last Christmas was amazing and we were so grateful the boys were in our arms on Christmas morning. But they don't have memories from their first Christmas at home. They remember the tree and the lights, but everything else is a blur. Even if they did remember a day of joy and excitement, there is nothing in their hard wiring that would lead them to believe it would happen again. Their experiences and hard wiring indicates things are hard and unknown. This is why we field questions weekly about their birthday. We told them we will celebrate again next year, but they feel compelled to check regularly that nothing has changed. Coming into this Christmas season we have spent time pouring over the meaning of Christmas, but there is still so much unknown about the Christmas season. So much to experience, see and hear. It can be an overwhelming time of year for those of us who have always experienced an American Christmas, let alone a small boy from the mountains of the poorest country in the world. So many things are still not understood and remain unknown to our sweet boys. It's the unknowns that cause us to come undone. The boys have not grown up in this American holiday experience. Even with our (relatively) slow schedule, there is much to see and do. And with no experiences to pull from, excitement that surrounds an event or activity can easily shift to a feeling of fear. Not knowing what is next, how long an experience will last, or if it will ever happen again causes worry. Then fear creeps in. Once fear is present, it opens a floodgate. Fears from a hard start in this world flood their little bodies. They can very quickly become undone under these big emotions. Excitement allows our brains to retain and remember, fear blocks and buries memories. We are working hard to create a brain shift in our sweet boys. We are working daily to rewire our boys to trust, love, and fully experience life in a safe place. As we learn to walk this thin line with each boy separately, we pray with each step God heals their hearts and replaces trauma in the brain with peace and calm. I am beyond grateful that God holds my children. That we can rest in this season knowing He chose to leave God’s side and be born as a vulnerable infant and walk in human flesh on this broken Earth for each of us. I cannot change my boys’ story. I cannot fill the holes in their hearts, but I can led them to the one who can. I can sit them down at the foot of the cross and show them what love is. I can help them understand this fast paced season by slowing down and filling them with Christ, the reason for it all. I can hold them close when this world seems overwhelming and show them how to lean into a loving Savior who will never fail them. This Christmas we hope to build safe, exciting, and joy filled memories for our sweet twin boys. Merry Christmas!
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AuthorMy name is Deidra Miller. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Dusty, for 17 years. We have two biological children and our family is growing again. We prayed for 2,786 days and God answered our prayers. More days (almost 4 years) have been added as we wait for God's perfect plan for our family. We can't wait to meet our beautiful twin boys! Archives
October 2022
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