"Great is your faithfulness. You've never failed me yet. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him. The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him." Lamentations 3:22-25
It has been a while since I have updated. I understand that at the end of this it could seem nothing has changed in our status, BUT God… Let me back up a few months. In January 2019 I was struggling with wanting to change the parameters of our home study. When we started with our agency we were told children could not be adopted from Burundi until at least age two. So we set our parameters for a boy age 2-5. Burundi continues to grow in their adoption processes and we began to see children under the age of two being adopted. My heart was heavy. What if we are waiting longer to be matched with our son because of a number on a piece of paper? We, of course, were open to younger if the child God ordained for us was not yet two years old. Although it's not so simple to just change that piece of paper. To update our home study parameters meant we must pay a few hundred dollars to update the whole document. Since we live in Indiana, we are required to update our home study annually and keep it updated until we are in country to bring our child home. So to update early means we “lose” time on the current home study and since we have no idea how many more we will need, we wanted to make a wise decision. We wanted to allow God to do what he needed to do, but we were trying not to get in His way. Our home study was set to expire in July 2019, but we knew the matching committee could meet before that July date- likely in June. We continued praying over this decision. In February, we learned after an extra-long wait time that we had not been matched at the matching committee that had occurred in mid-December 2018. This was very hard news to hear. Our wait continued. As we were all trying to wrestle with not being matched, God was continuing to stretch and grow our hearts. God had planted a seed to open our hearts, to follow Him into the unknown. Dusty and I had been considering opening our parameters to include siblings, a sibling set with at least one male. We discussed this possibility with our social worker and caseworker. After learning we had not been matched and knowing we were considering changes to our home study, our caseworker encouraged us to move forward with updating our home study in advance of the expiration so that it would be updated to include siblings before the next matching meeting that was to meet in June 2019. Dusty and I prayed, cried, cried out to God and spent hours trying to make a final decision about this update. After a final, very sleepless, night we decided we were not sure if it was God’s desire for us to adopt siblings or if He just wanted to step out in faith and allow Him to take the wheel. So not knowing His exact plan, we stepped into the unknown and said, “Yes God! You are in charge.” Being opening to siblings means we could be matched with a sibling set or with an individual child. Once this ball was rolling to update our home study to include siblings, we completed a month’s (or more) worth of paperwork in a matter of a week and a half and submitted our required pieces to our agency. This was not a simple task as once again we were dealing with staff changes at our agency. We were not sure who did what and who to ask for help. It seemed that they were still figuring things out as well. The right hand gave us information that completely contradicted what the left hand gave us and we became the middle man. And without our intervention, it seemed those crucial conversations between staff members would not have occurred. After three weeks of stress and angst, we found ourselves in a long and laborious conversation with the vice president of our agency. The goal of the phone call, I thought, was to clarify and confirm all loose ends to complete our update so that we could get the updated information to Burundi before the June meeting. That night, May 15th, after struggling through an hour and a half conversation about what needed to happen to update our home study, we learned that an email had just gone out informing families that the matching committee had met early that week, I believe on Monday, May 13th. I literally couldn’t find my breath! Once my heart started back up and I took in a quick gulp of air, I did find some words though. Talk about burying the lead! We had spent an hour and a half discussing matters that DID NOT matter because the meeting had already happened. Now, even if we were updating to include siblings, there was no reason to do so ahead of our July expiration date. The matching committee would not be meeting again before then. I was devastated! We missed the window. And while the matching committee did meet ahead of the time everyone anticipated, I am very certain that if our agency had worked half as hard as we did to get things ready, our paperwork could have been there. My heart was broken. I was overwhelmed. I was angry. I was yet again disappointed with our agency, who is the only way to my child(ren). At least the only way God was telling us to go. I was confused and unsure of what to feel. All I knew is that it was too much and I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sure what to feel and I wasn’t sure what to share. So I didn’t. I didn't share because I was having a hard time processing. I needed to take all my hurt, brokenness, and sense of betrayal and lay it and leave it at the foot of the cross. I couldn’t carry it. I had to leave it there and walk away. I know God can do all things and I believe He was still working for my family, but I also don’t believe Him to be a Genie that will just grant our wishes. I knew that God could work this to His Glory, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a deviation from His plan. So here we were, waiting on news from the May matching committee, knowing God had said jump. We knew one boy may be all He ever planned for us, but now my heart couldn’t reconcile that there could have been two. We live in a broken world. There are consequences for our actions and lack of actions. I felt our agency failed us by not doing their job well and getting the paperwork completed promptly. Yes, God can work out the consequences of our sins for His Glory, but that doesn’t change the fact that we may altered the path He intended. Had they altered God’s path? Had we? As we waited on news from the May matching meeting, my heart was torn. I felt like God was calling us to more. What if we had been matched to one boy? How could that thought, after 10 years of waiting, be a sad and anxiety-filled one? If we thought God had moved us from being open to two just to show we were faithful then one could still have always been His plan. What if we missed this chance and God calls us to more? I am not sure I have it in me to do this whole adoption process again. I wish it were not so hard, but bureaucracy, while there for the right intentions, makes adoption a much more broken process than it should be. There was only one thing to do. Give it back to God and wait and see what He was going to do. During this wait, we continued to have positive conversations with our agency to push policies and procedures in the right direction. We ask God to continue to give us grace and help us extend it to others. Going into the summer, I had cleared my responsibilities to allow me to focus on Ansel and Sophia. June was full of sports, theatre, and church camps. I stayed busy playing chauffeur and was happy to drive them from point A to point B and enjoy the conversations along the way. July was set with fun adventures and projects for the kids and I. We went on hikes, to the pool, swimming in the reservoir, to a big cat rescue, and lots more. We had some great times. We did not see much of anyone else as it was just kind of a time of cocooning between the three of us as we embrace what might be our last summer of just us. July ended with an email letting us know that we had not been matched at the May matching meeting. This again brought up waves of roller-coaster emotions. When we began with our agency we were told that it could be 18 to 24 months from the time our paperwork was in the country until we will be matched. As of May 2019, our paperwork had been in country for 18 months. This could have been it, but we knew He might be doing more. I found peace in the news. This was the first matching meeting, due to timing, that Dusty really had his hopes up and was overwhelmed by the news of not yet. Every family is different. Every story is different, but the estimated time frames are the only thing you have to hold on to during this ride. It is just like waiting to go into labor. You have a due date out there in space, but it’s not a guarantee. When you get close to that date though, boy do you cling to it being the day. The kids were very sad that we had not been matched, but their sorrow seemed less lingering than the news of the previous meeting. They are so ready to love their sibling or siblings. August brought the start of a new school year. Our 7th year of homeschooling and new and exciting adventures in our co-op. Our school year is going great and I am thankful for the summer of fun I was able to have with the kids. We all know God is still working. He is weaving together a beautiful story, our story. Right now we are only seeing the back of his work. It’s full of knots and crossing threads. It looks like a mess and it’s hard to tell what the finished product is going to look like. But we believe the picture is coming together on the other side. We believe God is working diligently to complete the work He has started. Since the day He brought us to this country, through this agency, He has been very clear in saying boy up to age five. Maybe, just maybe, God was only turning over a piece of that finished work of art. Just enough for us to say, “We see your promise and we will follow faithfully.” The journey has been hard, but God has grown and stretched us all so much always drawing us closer to Him. It’s impossible to say it hasn’t been beautiful. We are still not sure what the completed picture looks like, but we know we want to be in God’s will for our family. We pray and ask you to join us that will be in tune with God’s will. Following Him wherever he leads. We are trying our hardest to see through the mess of thread on the back our beautiful woven story. We know the picture He is creating is more beautiful than the one we can imagine. The matching committee has been meeting about every 6 months. There is every reason to believe that they will meet again in December or January. We know that no one matched at the last meeting had been waiting (their paperwork in Country) less time than us. December/January would put us at 25/26 months since our paperwork was registered in country leading us to hope that we could be matched during this time. Only God knows the timing. We can only continue to hold tight to God’s plan for our family. To trust that the picture he is creating is more beautiful than the one we are imagining for ourselves.
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AuthorMy name is Deidra Miller. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Dusty, for 17 years. We have two biological children and our family is growing again. We prayed for 2,786 days and God answered our prayers. More days (almost 4 years) have been added as we wait for God's perfect plan for our family. We can't wait to meet our beautiful twin boys! Archives
October 2022
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