The dance of bonding and attachment of an adoptive child is a delicate and complicated process. Sure, you can take lessons and learn the basic moves, but the dance is different for every pair that steps onto the dance floor together.
Any parent with more than one child knows the vastness of differences in the children. Even so, it has been so interesting to watch how our two boys have differed in the way they have attached with us. Twins, yes. Unique individuals, definitely! Their personalities have factored in, and our personalities have factored in. Fear and trauma underline it all, but God. Only God can take the brokenness of adoption and make it whole. God continues to be faithful, and tonight, I wanted to praise His faithfulness. Our boys have been incredibly healthy since coming home. Nothing in their past would indicate strong, healthy boys, but God! Thank you, God, for giving them health! They had been home for over 6 months when their first sickness hit. First one, then the other. The first sick was eager for my love and attention. Being wrapped in my arms and doted over felt comfortable. But when his brother started feeling unwell, he put himself to bed. Turned out his lights, laid down, and covered up. I went to his side, and he told me, "When you are sick, you go to bed by yourself." I quickly responded, "Not in this house." And cuddled up right next to him. He continues to show signs that God is healing hurts and building trust. We continue to see tiny steps towards healthy attachment. Well, we are sick again. First one, then the other. Same order as before, but this time around, we have seen big changes. Today, we cuddled up on the couch. He wrapped both his arms around me and whispered, "You're the best mom in the world." God is doing big things in the heart of this little boy. Thank you, God, for healing his hurts. Our dance isn't over, but tonight, we made real progress toward getting into sync with each other. Thank you, God, for answering prayers.
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Two years ago today, we laid quietly in a hotel room in Burundi, struggling to find sleep. we had been told we would meet our boys on Monday morning, and it was now Tuesday night with a plan to leave very early the next morning to head to their shelter. I can't explain with words the mix of emotions we felt as we lay awake in bed wondering and dreaming of what the morning would hold. What we knew for sure was God had brought us faithfully to this moment, and He was not going to forsake us now. He had a clear plan for our family, and we trusted He was going to lead the way to our first meeting. He definitely led the way the next morning as we followed this van up the mountain to our boys. We prayed He was preparing the boys' hearts. We really didn't know how they would react. We didn't know if they had been prepped for our arrival. If those conversations had been positive. they were the first children ever adopted out of their shelter. It was new for everyone. They had been told we would arrive Monday morning and two days had passed. Would they be happy and excited or angry and sad? My heart will NEVER forget the sound of a little voice delighted with joy yell out, "Mama!" as soon as I entered the room.
Tonight my boys are struggling to find sleep. They are worried about the people they love in Burundi. They question if they had food to eat today. They feel torn between all they knew and loved and all they have come to love. “…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6 Lord Jesus, please give my children your peace as they go to sleep. Give them the security of your power, love, and care. Give them peace in knowing that their Heavenly Father is watching over them. Please help them not to be anxious about anything, but find rest in Your arms. Dusty and I didn't take the adoption journey alone. We had been praying for God's timing for 7 years, but God's first move was to prepare the hearts of our big kids. One afternoon, our children requested a family meeting before our bedtime prayers. As planned, they sat us down and let us know God had put adoption on their hearts, and they wanted to know if it was something we would consider. They were delighted to know we were on the same page.
Adoption is not a journey for the faint of heart, but if you lean into God, it can be beautifully broken. It would be 5 more years before our big kids would meet their brother's. Watching my oldest children struggle and grow nearer to God in this journey was both heartbreaking and joyous. They are the best at being a big brother and a big sister. The joy of having their brother’s home has come with a myriad of challenges, and they have both walked this road with grace and pose. Without a second thought, they have set aside their desires and plans for the well-being of their brothers. They have sacrificed greatly I am proud to call them mine. I know the connection my children have will continue to grow. They will be blessed to learn from each other’s experience in the crazy journey called adoption. Trauma is hard!! And somedays, it sucks every ounce of life out of my soul. I am exhausted. My brain and body struggle to keep up with the pace of my day. I am drained in ways I never knew existed.
I love these boys fiercely and I will keep fighting. My children, all of them, are worth all of it. But it's more than I can give. My only defense is fighting from my knees. No matter how driven or focused I am, I am not the answer. I want to look back and know that what I was doing was eternally important. To do that, I need to give it all to God. I need my focus and drive to be towards serving him, intentionally, with all of who I am. Only then can I share His love with those around me. In 1 Samuel 12, Samuel is giving his farewell speech to Israel. Israel has requested a king. A king who will rule them instead of them being ruled directly by God. Samuel could have shared many things, but in his final words of wisdom he reminded the people of Israel where God had brought them from. He urged them to remember and stay faithful to the Lord. My thoughts are pulled in so many directions each day, and it's easy to be distracted by this world. I am striving to be better. I know the hard moments are easier when I remember what it took to get here. When I stop and think about the 12 years of prayers that led us to our sweet twin boys, I am overwhelmed. I am encouraging myself tonight to stop more often to realign myself to live intentionally. That was my word to focus on this year. In January, I started out strong. I had an adorable frame and stickers to create a small reminder to sit on my night stand that simply said, intentional. A small token to remind me each night and morning to focus on God, FIRST! It’s September now and I am almost, kind of certain those unassembled items are together somewhere in my house. My intentionality has been on a journey. I am praying for strength to focus my heart on fearing and serving God with all I have in me. I will start by acknowledging how much He has done for me, in all areas of my life. It’s only because of Him that I am where I am in this life. He has been faithful to me and more gracious than I deserve. God is faithful, and at the end of the day, when I am running over every second of the day in my mind, I must remember these children are His. He loves them more than I can fathom. This reminder slows my thoughts and anxieties. When I allow time to pause and look at life through the perspective of gratitude for all that He has done for me, I am humbled by my need for Him. I choose to face tomorrow intentionally focusing my heart toward loving God. 6 years ago today, on the other side of the world in a small mountain village, a young woman gave birth to beautiful twin boys. I can't imagine the challenges she faced. I can't fathom the decisions that lay ahead of her. I don't want to know the depths of her sorrow and pain.
What I do know is that 6 years ago today, both our worlds changed ever. Not many people have the privilege we had in our adoption journey. We began praying for our boys birth mother when she was 12 years old. We prayed for their father, too, but can only assume his age. We carried both of them with us for years before she became pregnant with our precious sons. I am often overwhelmed by that piece of our journey. We might never know, on this side of heaven, the full impact of our prayers, but I am grateful that we had the opportunity to cover them in prayer during that season in their life. If I could stand before her today, on their 6th birthday, I would say thank you for being braver than I could ever imagine being. Thank you for choosing life for these amazing humans. I would tell her that her boys are amazing and just as brave and strong as she is. They light up every room their enter. They choose joy every day. They love to laugh and joke around. They love their family fiercely. I am certain they have her eyes and/or smile. Every day, we see a glimpse of who their birth parents are. We continue to pray for them and celebrate who they are to us and to our boys. Happy 6th birthday to our sweet twin boys. We feel blessed beyond measure to celebrate another birthday with you. We are eternity grateful God choose us to be your forever family. We know He has big plans for both of you. We are so thankful we have front row seats to the rest of your life. Continue to live life to the fullest. Continue finding joy in the small pleasures of life. Continue being exactly who God made you to be. There is a fine line between the feelings of excitement and fear. This is a tightrope that we are learning to walk. As we walk through this Christmas season, we work to prepare our boys for the events ahead while at the same time not over exciting them about what's to come.
Last Christmas was amazing and we were so grateful the boys were in our arms on Christmas morning. But they don't have memories from their first Christmas at home. They remember the tree and the lights, but everything else is a blur. Even if they did remember a day of joy and excitement, there is nothing in their hard wiring that would lead them to believe it would happen again. Their experiences and hard wiring indicates things are hard and unknown. This is why we field questions weekly about their birthday. We told them we will celebrate again next year, but they feel compelled to check regularly that nothing has changed. Coming into this Christmas season we have spent time pouring over the meaning of Christmas, but there is still so much unknown about the Christmas season. So much to experience, see and hear. It can be an overwhelming time of year for those of us who have always experienced an American Christmas, let alone a small boy from the mountains of the poorest country in the world. So many things are still not understood and remain unknown to our sweet boys. It's the unknowns that cause us to come undone. The boys have not grown up in this American holiday experience. Even with our (relatively) slow schedule, there is much to see and do. And with no experiences to pull from, excitement that surrounds an event or activity can easily shift to a feeling of fear. Not knowing what is next, how long an experience will last, or if it will ever happen again causes worry. Then fear creeps in. Once fear is present, it opens a floodgate. Fears from a hard start in this world flood their little bodies. They can very quickly become undone under these big emotions. Excitement allows our brains to retain and remember, fear blocks and buries memories. We are working hard to create a brain shift in our sweet boys. We are working daily to rewire our boys to trust, love, and fully experience life in a safe place. As we learn to walk this thin line with each boy separately, we pray with each step God heals their hearts and replaces trauma in the brain with peace and calm. I am beyond grateful that God holds my children. That we can rest in this season knowing He chose to leave God’s side and be born as a vulnerable infant and walk in human flesh on this broken Earth for each of us. I cannot change my boys’ story. I cannot fill the holes in their hearts, but I can led them to the one who can. I can sit them down at the foot of the cross and show them what love is. I can help them understand this fast paced season by slowing down and filling them with Christ, the reason for it all. I can hold them close when this world seems overwhelming and show them how to lean into a loving Savior who will never fail them. This Christmas we hope to build safe, exciting, and joy filled memories for our sweet twin boys. Merry Christmas! The season of Advent has been an extra special time for me over the last few years. Focusing my thoughts and heart on Christ pushed away my fears and anxieties of this life as we enter into the holiday season. I think because we announced our adoption journey at Christmas that it became a marker of time for me. Each Christmas season that passed without news of a referral caused more and more sorrow. I love the Christmas season. The joy, excitement, giving, family time and traditions. But during our years of waiting (especially after we started with our agency in 2016) I found it was hard to find joy. I felt empty, lost, and full of longing. I knew I needed a heart change and a specific focus during this season. So I spent more and more time focusing on Advent and preparing my heart for Christ. Last Christmas, our boys had been home just under 2 months. Life was new and we were all thriving and surviving during the Advent season. A language barrier kept the boys from understand what it was all about. They loved the lights, decorations, laughter, and excitement, but they were not sure why we did any of it. This Christmas they understand that we are celebrating something. They love birthday parties so it only fitting we throw Jesus the biggest one. This Advent season I am blessed to walk through it with all four of my children. My heart is full and I can't express the gratitude I have to God for these gifts he has given me. Advent is a season of hope. Our faith in Christ was the only source of hope we had in our wait. I can't imagine facing any trial in this world without the hope of Christ. This is hope. A vision of a decimated forest where there seems no hope or life and then a shoot coming out of a stump. When the forest fell, Christ remained. Advent will always be a special time for me. A time when God allowed me to grow in my hurt. When God sheltered me under His wings and held me close. A time when I had to wait on God's yes, on God's timing. A time when he allowed me to understand on a deeper level what it is to wait on Him. His timing is perfect. His timing was perfect when the Israelites had waited for hundreds of years for His foretold birth, it was perfect when He said yes to our twin boys, and it will be perfect when he returns again. Our world is broken and unfair. It's hard to watch as corrupt power wins the day while righteous and humble people suffer. People, good people, suffer in this world. And we are called to have faith. To stand boldly. It's my job to stand at the watch post and proclaim God's glory. There is no easier time than Advent for me to share our story and God's glory. God is faithful and He's promises are yes and amen. This morning as I watched our boys hang ornaments on our Advent tree and as we talked more about Advent my heart soared with God's love for us. As we discussed Advent our boys connected it to waiting and wholeheartedly shared that waiting is hard because they had wait a long time for us. My heart both ached and sang praises as they talked about being in someone else's belly then having to wait so, so, so long for Papa and Mama to arrive. God has prepared them for Advent too. I continue to be in awe of this part I get to play in His story. This Advent season we will journey together as a family to the nativity. We will set apart time to focus on Him. We will continue to praise God for all that He is to us and you! Happy Ninja Heart Day to our precious twin boys!!!! This past year seems like a blink of an eye and a lifetime all at once. The boys have always been in our hearts so they have always been with us, but this past year of laughter, joy, delight, and love have been such a joy to our hearts. We do have teens and toddlers, so if we are honest the days can be exhausting. The old adage the days are long and the years are short rings so true in our hearts. God ordained our family. We are not perfect. We miss the mark some days, but we love deeply. The twelve years of waiting were, at times, unbearable, but God’s beautiful, perfect plan for our family is so much more glorious. Here is a look at 1 year of forever! Ennis: Based on limited pictures and videos that we had received of him, we were a bit concerned about our sweet boy. He was withdrawn from the group, he didn't smile, and his eyes showed that he was disconnected. The moment we stepped into the shelter we heard a little voice yell, "mama!" It was our sweet Ennis. As soon as they let the boys come into us, he pushed his way past all the kids, other adults, and onto my lap. He didn't let go for two days. I believe God had been preparing him for us and he felt safe and loved when wrapped in our arms. He changed so much in those early days. He came to life. He found his smile and his laughter. The day we first held our sweet boy he was 4 years old and weighed 22 and was 31 inches tall. He was wearing 18 months pants and 2T shirts to make room for his distended belly (although we didn't have those sizes). He wore a toddler size 5 shoe. Today, 1 year later, he is a vibrant 5 year old. He weighs 37 lbs and is 39.5 inches tall. He is wearing 4T clothes (for another minute). He wears a toddler size 8 shoe. We are blown away at ALL the ways he has grown in 365 days. Gained 15 pounds, grown 8.5 inches, and grown 3 shoe sizes. What a year! Ennis loves life. He loves to tease and trick people. He is very expressive and does not hesitate to let you know how he feels about something. He loves playing with cars, building with magnet tiles, riding his bike, and eating! He loves letters and their sounds. He wants to spend his time with his whole family together. Harrison: We knew right away from pictures and videos we received that Harrison could command a room. He had no problem stepping into a leadership role. The day we met our precious boys, he showed us just how easily and with grace he commanded adults and children. In our early days, he struggled with having two adults who were giving him undivided attention. He adored it when he wanted it, but when he wanted to be out of a watchful eye he couldn't escape us and was frustrated to not have that control. In our first days together he always wanted to be held and hold us close. He was full of life and energy and loved to try all things new. The day we first held our sweet boy he was 4 years old, weighed 25 pounds and was 36 inches tall. He was wearing 2T pants for length and 3T shirts to make room for his distended belly (although we didn't have those sizes). He wore a toddler size 7 shoe. Today, 1 year later, he is a vibrant 5 year old. He weighs 35 lbs and is 41.5 inches tall. He is wearing 4T clothes (for another minute). He wears a toddler size 9 shoe. We are blown away at ALL the ways he has grown in 365 days. Gained 10 pounds, grown 5.5 inches, and grown 2 shoe sizes. What a year! Harrison is always processing the world around him. He loves play with toys and watch TV. He likes to help and be a part of whatever is going on. He loves playing with cars, building with magnet tiles, riding his bike, and being outside! He loves to go on adventures and always wants to know what we have planned next. These amazing boys have handled every change with grace and ease. They stepped into the unknown bravely and embraced new life that lay ahead. We daily celebrate Burundi and their Burundi home. We talk about their Burundi family and video chat with friends from their shelter. We have settled into life as a family of six and we can’t wait to see what God has ahead! Our adoption process broke me on so many levels. The twelve years of waiting shattered me into such small pieces that there is no picking them up and putting them back together. I came out the other side a different person. There is no going back and I am thankful for who God rebuilt me to be.
I relied so completely on God and I followed Him Faithfully, it's easy to assume that because I did that and He granted me what He promised and what I had been longing for that suddenly things would be a dream, complete. Our journey to our boys was a journey God laid out before me to mold me into whom he wanted me to be. What I have discovered is that I am nothing. It is God who loves me enough to call me to something bigger than myself and allow me to have court side seats to Him doing amazing things. It is God who loves me enough to pour these blessings into my life. Things can never be as they were before we began this journey. I don't want to be the person that I was when I started, but I know now that simply because God followed through on this promise doesn’t mean my journey is over. My flesh still wrestles with my spirit. I desire more than ever to be the very best version of me to honor the mighty savior whom I have the privilege of serving. I think, at some point, I fully expected that when our boys came home I would feel full/complete. My children are my world. All four of them! I am a mom and I have days when I am exhausted from the fifty million questions, picking up toys, wiping faces and bottoms, monitoring electronics, managing schedules, planning their schooling, being the doctor, making meals….you know the list. I am also a mom who can’t believe she gets to be home every day with her children. I get to learn with them, laugh with them, and play with them every day. I am fulfilled, but I am not complete. God wants me to keep stretching, growing, and changing for Him. God keeps whispering I have more for you. I continue to seek Him in all areas of my life and I will continue to be imperfect as I wade through this thing called life. I will mess up as a wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend, but I will continue to go to those I love and seek forgiveness and grace. I will continue to repent before my Lord and find rest in His shelter. This week, we will celebrate one year with the boys. This past year seems like it has been a blink of an eye and a lifetime. A gift I am eternally grateful for. October is the month that marks 1 year together. This morning as we changed our school calendar to October and discussed the events of the upcoming month, the boys and I talked about the day we first met when Papa and I walked into their shelter in Burundi. I told the boys that many people call that day something special like gotcha day, adoption day, or family day….I asked them what they would like to call that day. Their response was immediate, “Ninja Heart Day!!” For that to make sense to you we will have to back up a few weeks.
I made up a song for our preschool group at Forest School. The song, Going On a Nature Hike, is sung to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb. Then a couple of weeks ago I “made up” name songs for the boys to help learn how to spell their names. One of the songs was to the tune of London Bridges and then somehow I shifted it to Mary had Little Lamb (because this mom brain is on a mega struggle bus). I didn’t realize I had done this and while brushing teeth before bed and singing our name songs I was asked a question over and over. Our boys are doing amazing with speaking English, but there are still times when we are not quite sure what they are saying. This was one of those times. I was not in the same context as them, because I didn't realized I had changed the tune. I guessed everything I could think of and in their frustration they just kept saying the same phrase over and over again. Asking if this was the nature hike song. All I heard was ninja heart. So I asked them, “Are you saying ninja heart?” This immediately changed the mood in the room. We went from two frustrated boys to two boys laughing so hard they were in tears. I am really not sure what made it so VERY funny, but they laughed for days. Since then we have moments when they yell out ninja heart and then are in stitches, hands slapping knees in laughter. So today, when I asked them what we should call the day that they met Mama and Papa for the first time there was no question. Ninja heart day! We all laughed and then I thought how beautiful! That day when we embraced for the first time. That day we heard a little voice call out for mama before we ever saw him. That day that these brave boys showed us around to their family in Burundi and were proud that we were theirs. That day when we saw God’s promises reaching their arms out for us. On that day, like a ninja, love snuck right in without any of us knowing and we stole each other’s hearts. Yes, Ninja Heart Day will be the perfect name for the day we all met in the beautiful mountains of Burundi. We can’t wait to celebrate ninja heart day at the end of this month. |
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AuthorMy name is Deidra Miller. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Dusty, for 17 years. We have two biological children and our family is growing again. We prayed for 2,786 days and God answered our prayers. More days (almost 4 years) have been added as we wait for God's perfect plan for our family. We can't wait to meet our beautiful twin boys! Archives
October 2022
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